Isn't it funny how one day your life can be going along happily, and then BAM!! something just comes out of left field and leaves you reeling.
On Saturday, Chris and I went along to the local ultrasound clinic for a scan of our baby to confirm dates. We had only told close family that I was pregnant. So there I was lying on the table and heard the words "I'm sorry folks, the news is not good". It was as if my life suddenly developed this huge crack in it, so that one side was my happy shiny life and on this side, one split-second later was a black void. We were told that there was no heartbeat and that it looked as if the baby had died one week before. I should have been 8 weeks pregnant. Instead I had a dead baby inside me.
So what that I am 44 and the risk of miscarriage is higher? So what that we already have a beautiful little boy? So what that 'it must have been for a reason'? All of that is utterly and completely irrelevant. We wanted THIS baby.
I am so lucky that I have such a wonderful man as Chris to get me through this hateful blackness. And Helen and Mum who know the power of family love. And my friends Rachel, Alania, Kate & Ruth who have reached out with words and hugs and love.
As I write this I am waiting to miscarry. I am torn between wanting this dead baby out of me and not wanting to let it go.
RIP little 'Leo'. Maybe your soul will return to us in another form.